What are we?

(not encourage to read, my reference only)

(YAox content- if u think Str8 ppl are worthy in this world only, then hope u be careful with who u FARK! Assholes.)

Every so often, you'll be in my mind. wherever i go, no matter how far i was being distracted, vision of you still returns. I know its never gonna end, periodically. I thought i could have handled it pretty well, but apparantly it didn.


I was never once happy since the start. Recently, i realise that history is repeating itself. Jus like my secondary school days, classmates' mocking, pin-pointing, being judgemental, and most of the time cracking joke about us. I dun mind them saying abt mi cos they dun understand, but pulling him (perhap a str8 guy) into topic is unfair treatment. I never want him to be in difficult position. Yes, he said he doesn mind, but this has indirectly affect our friendship. Now, we rarely talks. Even if we do chat, i felt the intense pressure within, and i am so concern with my image that i should be delivering and it got over my head. This shouldn be the way... For years, i been searching for someone i like whom i dun feel this kind of pressure, it is back again...

I really dun get wat a guy, or rather, man wants and thinks. Dun they have names to call rather than the streotypical Bros, dude, watever... It sounded odd, rigid. I dun call girls my sisters... disgusting.

And this darling of mine is the wierdiest of all 'MAN'. I didn see this 'X' factor in him when we were just friends. Susprisingly, i didn have the slightest idea that my little affection would explode untill a year in SHATEC. He was attached to a girl (my classmate) at that time, which i did not bother much cos i was still new to the environment. One thing i find it hard to understand during that period was , " Why the hell everyone in our class is desperate for partners?". I bet they dun even bother to know who their date was, and if it is of opposite sex and of which is appealing- JUst Grab. hahas... soon, studying was not the main objective in class anymore...

Not sure when i started to lay an eye on this guy. i heard random stuff abt their relationship. Then they sadly broke up short after ,which i never ask why though i'm curious. I SWEAR i never wanted to step in their way, but it just happened. A sudden gush of feeling tells mi that its time to get to know this person. Maybe they wasn bothered by my approach. however, I definately felt guilty towards wat i've done, especially to her girlfriend. though wat i've done was a selfless act, i dun want them to think bad abt me. My feelings was incontrollable ever since...

We began to message each other, he was such gentle with words, sweet talker in SMS. that was odd for a guy to talk in this way. I was amused. Then i began to witness the disparity when we messaged and to knowing him in person. wat a vast difference... as though, he was not the one i knew. i rather him sweet talk with mi in message than him at one corner being 'MANLY'. but watever displeasure i might have, i still like him... the thing in mi is that i'm obssessive, chasing a person i can never have- seems like a never happy ending, but i just carn lose something i dun try. A challenge that i may probably fail but just the small possibility keep mi going on.

I am doing a fair bit of things for him as well as some great stuff for myself. He kept mi at the level that we are still great friends and i took that as a great motivation for everything i'm doing... its like 'everything i do, i do for u'. HA... i like that!

REcently, i quarrelled with him. I no idea how to react... i dun know him well to stand in his ground and think abt wat i did wrongly. I know this arguement is unnecessary. He stated 'i'm serious' when he never once did in his msg normally. It breaks my heart as it never happen before. Was it my words in msg so harsh you carn differentiate i'm kidding? The 'Wow' effect was hard to take in. I heeded someone advice, cos i needed this person to look at the whole pic, and in his view, help mi to solve this. The great one told mi not to msg back, and i did that reluctantly. and now, this added to my misery when we hardly talk alr. I'm still piss with him, cos he didn get my intented meaning in my msg. I hate him as to how he behaves in class too.

But everyone know, these are just words with no meaning at all... every moment, every second, he lives inside mi... trying to push him away is to find another guy to love. That takes time to build and by far other than JunLong (sec.sch), most of them were just 'love at first sight'. My love for someone carries responsibility, affection and ...

I want to feel this responsibilty for my partner, to know him in and out, no matter wat happens to this person, i may not fail to love him any lesser. Not sure i'm up to it, but least, a try...

So who are u to mi now? Pls i dun wan to lose u.


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SiongSiongBear loves his Darling and Jovien on 30 July 08!